I own a tutor referral service and have met hundreds of kids in need of tutors. I interview the child with one or more parents present to determine their needs so I can match the right person with them. As a tutor broker, we match students and tutors based not only their academic requirements, but also on their level of self esteem and confidence. Having a positive self image is one of the most important things a youngster can have as they prepare to enter kindergarten. Pre-school settings are usually the first opportunity young children have to learn how to interact with other children and develop their social skills. For many children, leaving the comfort and emotional safety of their home can be traumatic and unsettling. This new found independence is often played out in negative ways in a social environment.
Having your child in a pre-school or play group that promotes cooperation and coping skills will pay off in a big way.
Unfortunately, kids can be blunt, mean and darn right rude when it comes to trying to fit in. Here are some strategies on how to deal with four situations that are common.
1) A child draws a picture and then announces “I hate it.”
DON’T agree with the child, even if the picture really is horrible.
DO ask the child why he doesn’t like it. Point out something you think is good about the picture. Encourage the child to try again and coach him on what he might do differently (not better!) Post the picture in a conspicuous place in your home.
2) Another child criticizes her playmate with a statement like, “You can’t jump rope very good.”
DON’T intervene right away if you happen to overhear the comment. Children have to learn how to work out problems. Listen and hear how the “bad jump roper” responds.
DO point out that not everyone can be great at everything and remind the child how good she is at hopscotch and riding her bike. If it’s important to your child to jump rope better, encourage her to practice. If it’s not a big deal to her, don’t push it.
3) A child is frustrated because he can’t tie his shoes.
DON’T rush to do it for him. He will never learn a task that way.
DO help him by having him practice with his shoes off or by showing him step by step how to do it. Have him emulate you. If it’s still too hard, lower the frustration by having him wear slip-ons while he continues to practice his shoe tying skills until he masters it.
4) A child is jealous because she didn’t receive recognition in the form of a special reward and another child did.
DON’T belittle the child by telling her that her work (writing, picture, art project) just wasn’t good enough or that it’s not important to get a reward. It is to her.
DO explain to the child that her turn will come too and that sometimes it’s nice to see the good work of others. Encourage her that she did a fine job as well, but every week (or month) only one or two people get the special spot on the bulletin board. Remind her of the last time she won something for doing something exceptional.
The most important aspect of boosting self-esteem in children is to focus on the positive. Making comparisons between other children, especially siblings, is damaging and deflating. Point out the good side of everything and downplay the negative. The more upbeat you are, the quicker your child will learn that small mistakes are just not that important. Being perfect is not fun for any kid; it puts more pressure on them than their little egos can handle.
Give your child some mantras to help their confidence:
- I can do difficult things
- I can solve this
- I need your help to understand
- I can learn from my mistakes
Don’t make your fears your child’s fears. Taking your child to pre-school or kindergarten can be more upsetting for you than the little tyke. Hide your anxiety and hold back the tears until you get to the car. Then cry your eyes out.
Professionally, I have witnessed parents having extremely high expectations for a five year old. Not only is this not realistic, but it can be terribly upsetting for a child to think the only time they get positive recognition is when they do something better than everyone else. Some kids will never be athletes, so don’t force them to play soccer or baseball. Nurture their creative side. Some children will not be able to read by the time they enter kindergarten. That’s OK, they will learn. Focus on the terrific way they share their toys or sing a song so well.
As a parent of two girls ages 7 and 10 who are polar opposites, this is how I deal with their self-esteem issues.
I never compare them.
I focus on their strengths – one is a gifted student and one is a special needs child.
I encourage them to talk to me about their fears. Talking through a situation that frightens them, whether it be giving a speech in front of the class or raising their hand to ask a question, should be taken seriously and dealt with appropriately. We role play in our home so my older daughter can help teach my younger one how to do something – after all, she’s more “experienced.”
We discourage negative words. “I’m dumb”, says my seven year old. “No, you are not dumb, you just haven’t learned how to do that yet, but you will with practice” is a better answer than “Oh, honey, no you’re not.”
“I’m a terrible speller”, says my ten year old. (and she is) “No, you’re not a terrible speller. You need to slow down and think about the word you are spelling. Use the dictionary we gave you and make flash cards for the words you don’t know” is more effective than “Yes, you are right, your spelling stinks and if you don’t learn how to spell better you aren’t going to keep your straight A average.”
The key to giving your kids confidence is to be genuine. Children are perceptive and can see right through an ingenuious , patronizing comment. Empathy, guidance and setting positive examples will benefit your children as they develop. Don’t let your fears become your child’s fears.
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Laurie Hurley is an educational consultant and mentor to small business owners. She resides in Southern California and is currently working on her second book; Taking on the Franchise Industry; One Woman’s Journey to Entrepreneurial Success. She was recently featured in Woman’s World magazine as a ‘successful mompreneur’ and can be reached at info@hometutoringbusiness.com. Free to reprint article as long as bio remains intact. |
